- Dan Koh
- 3 days ago
- 2 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
we had just finished shooting Stranger Eyes. it was a very bad time at home for me. Sirin and i had been living together for 2 years, after being friends/colleagues for more than 5. in the last year, she had been going from bad to worse: a break-up, manic-depressive self-hatred, combined with flings, drugs, and drink. we all tried to help her (we really, really did); nothing, obviously, worked.
the nite before she killed herself and arranged for me to find her body, i thought she had turned a corner. there she was, back on the couch (no more crying in her room, no more suicide attempts), typing away furiously—at overdue schoolwork, she told me when i asked (it was her suicide note). we talked about our relationships, difficult families, music. i thought she had returned. she wished me well with my relationship; i went to bed. i heard her outside cleaning the house, listening to Blink-182.
All the small things / True care, truth brings / I'll take one lift / Your ride, best trip / Always, I know / You'll be at my show / Watching, waiting / Commiserating
as a fellow film worker, before she transitioned into social work, Sirin worked as a production assistant on films like: A Land Imagined (Yeo Siew Hua, 2018), Apprentice (Boo Junfeng, 2016), Ilo Ilo (Anthony Chen, 2013). as a producer, she collaborated with the ad companies Lioncat Films, Short Term Girlfriend, and TMRRW. as a line producer, she worked extensively with photographer Shane Mitchell, especially on his book Far Afield (2016). all this in her short 30 years.
after more than a year and a half, i'm ready to say that i've finished crying. maybe even lessened hurting. i think i've learnt to respect her choice, as horrible as it was; a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i know that she lives because i remember her. i believe that she's in a happier place, with lesser or no pain. i shall still love her in my own way.
Stranger Eyes is dedicated to her. she wanted to return to filmmaking for it; schedules and her chaotic life then did not align. i like to think of few audience members, like dedicated ghosts, sticking around to the end of the credits, seeing her name and maybe even speaking it out loud. before darkness how she'd cackle, to be spoken of in cinemas around the world, her name flickering like the shadows of a furious flame that snuffed itself out.
