- Dan Koh
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
Updated: 20 hours ago
it's election season here in $ingapore. with the (cured) sausage fest of political candidates singing songs and doing school cheers, giving out toothbrushes, and claiming that the goods and services tax is "taken from top and redistributed across [the] population", when it is obviously a regressive tax, i decided to take this election season as unseriously as our aspiring politicians and conduct my own seriously rigged and gerrymandered male beauty pageant. here's what DALL-E 3 reckons it would look like (after i corrected its racial bias, but check out the sash on the far right):
before we crown Mister GE 2025, i would like to hand out some honourable mentions, because everyone's attractive in their own way (no, seriously). please take in mind that this pageant was adjudicated by 15 random $G males, mostly presumably straight, and most of whom spoilt their votes or didn't vote, so this is all highly objective and dominated by gay ol' me:
immediate walkovers (no contest)
Jamus Lim (Workers' Party)
okay, let's just get this out of the way. K-pop–adjacent JL not only looks but is super smart and progressive, connects to the younger generations in a natural and non-cringe way, and fits his powder-blue shirt well. with those cheeks, he warms the cocks of our hearts.
Baey Yam Keng (People's Action Party)
another predictable thirst trap. dating BYK would mean sunrise and sunset runs, cheat-day meals at sensible chain eateries, and vacations to family-friendly resorts in Bintan, Bali, or Desaru, because we're always saving for a rainy day.
Darryl David (PAP)
Mr. Pyramid Game himself, who courted the hottest babe herself, Vivian Wang, in The Teenage Textbook Movie (1998; as if he ever could), does not get enough props for his sartorial adventures in Parliament. the spiky, early 2000s hairstyle is a bit iffy, but points for those specs, that vest, and the neatly rolled-up sleeves.
most handsome homophobe
Vivian Balakrishnan (PAP)
in case anyone's forgotten, VB during the 2011 electioneering pretty much outed former political candidate Dr Vincent Wijeysingha, accusing him of having a “hidden gay agenda” and also supposedly discussing, at a civil society forum, “sex with boys and whether the age of consent for boys should be 14 years of age.” to the best of my knowledge and Googling, VB has never apologised for this.
sigh.
aiyah but gutter politics aside, he's still handsome lah, in an ick-why-is-your-rented-house-so-big-what-are-you-making-up-for kinda way.
most handsome baldy
Syed Harun Alhabsyi (PAP)
okay, i really dunno who these people are, but what a handsome man! i say that admiringly, because as we all know, only a few guys have the proper head shape to rock that shaven look (whether by choice or circumstance). kudos to SHA for pairing it with a well-groomed goatee and cute ears.
Hamid Razak (PAP)
PAP sweeps this category! HR is an orthopaedic surgeon who volunteers in the youth and migrant-worker communities, apparently—nice lah. his mantra is “give whatever we have from wherever we are”—here he is clearly giving dashing and suave. gurl, you stay.
most handsome twink
this is the nite's most hotly contested category, with fresh meat from both the PAP and WP. drumroll, please...
Kenneth Tiong (WP)
here we have a classic twink in the wild. proper specs, neat side parting, sweet smile, sensible belt and pants ensemble. check out how KT holds the WP flyers in a respectable manner, and how the kopitiam uncles are shyly gazing away from him. textbook starter twink, maybe needs a devil spark to set him apart?
Michael Thng Quan Wei (WP)
he should front the Housing Board's BTO ads. yes babe, i do!
Marshall Lim (PAP)
here we are wading into slightly controversial territory, as some would claim ML is not a twink. but i argue that if you look past the wispy goatee to those dimples, how perfectly starched his white shirt is, and how it doesn't match his pants, his side parting rockets him into twinkdom.
Xie Yao Quan (PAP)
i mean...move over Qi Yuwu and Ong Ye Kung in their younger days, XYQ could be cast in a Daniel Yun movie. apparently he's a "community volunteer" in Jurong, so i may be biased but he (t)win(k)s.
most handsome moustache
Murali Pillai (PAP)
can a moustache in and of itself be handsome? when it's on MP for Bukit Batok MP, yes it can. the Chinese man behind MP can only look on in hairless envy. this photo is captioned on Wikimedia "Murali Pillai with a heart", but it should read "Murali Pillai with his glorious man 'stache".
most handsome tech bro
Jeremy Tan (independent)
JT is 34, mysteriously retired already, calls himself "Encik Bitcoin", and is running with the campaign slogan of “Be Retired, Not Tired”. i also want leh; a vote for you. #FIRE
Darryl Lo (independent)
although he had a tech job, DL doesn't really qualify as a tech bro as he trained in law and is still working at 28 years old (loser!). unlike the real losers running Silicon Valley and DOGE, though, he's calling for singles aged 21 and above to be allowed to buy Housing Board flats, among other proposals. i also like his centre parting and grey colour scheme. score for humble, reformed techie.
🥉 second runner-up 🥉
and now to the main awards! this win and the following are important because all other candidates do not get their election deposit returned.
Ariffin Sha (Singapore Democratic Party)
AS has gleaned political experience from two of our most respected opposition politicians (he ran under Chiam See Tong's Singapore People's Party and is now running for Chee Soon Juan's Singapore Democratic Party, though he looks better in SPP's colours—pictured), is a legal executive who's got a criminal defamation charge under his belt (#WUSG), and still somehow maintains his model good looks. can!
🥈 first runner-up 🥈
Harpreet Singh Nehal (WP)
what to say of this silver fox? remember Richard Gere from like 1990 to 2009? Tony Leung Chiu-wai circa everything he's done? Jeff Goldblum, Clooney, Shah Rukh Khan? unexpectedly, the judges also awarded HSN with the prize for the most handsome daddy of GE 2025. HSN, like all the other candidates, did not attend and refused to give an acceptance speech.
🥇 winner: Mister GE 2025 🥇
Vikram Nair (PAP)
hey, i don't like which party won this male beauty pageant either, but as Kenneth Jeyaretnam of the Reform Party immortalised in 2015, "Singaporeans get the government they deserve, so I don't want to hear any more complaints."
as a prime specimen of a man, VN is yaaassss. apparently he was elected into Parliament in 2011, but i have honestly never seen him before. how could i have missed those perfectly coiffed, gently salt-and-pepper curls, those pecs threatening to burst through the lightning, and that guileless smile that says, "I don't know how handsome I am"? where have you been all my life, handsomest?
according to his Wikipedia, VN was ranked the No. 3 individual speaker at the 2002 World Universities Debating Championship. in my books, and at this sham of a pageant, he is ranked No. 1 at speaking to my loins.
🥇🥇🥇 all-time winner: Mister GE GOAT 🥇🥇🥇
Lim Chin Siong (Barisan Sosialis)
in a shock move, the judges (read: me) flipped table and crowned LCS with the hall-of-famer All-Time Mr. GE of Singapore/Malaya lifetime achievement award. a ruckus ensued, a recount demanded, but when this portrait of the man, after he was released from his first political detention in 1959, was flashed, all fell silent in awe.
then we headed to the Founders' Memorial for drinks.
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PS. but really, check out all the parties' manifestos (compiled here), take Jom/CAPE's helpful quiz to see which party is for you, attend the rallies, and vote for plurality, not papa.
PPS. this blog post is not sponsored by Pink Dot or the Wear White Campaign.
PPPS. following outrage from female friends at Pritam Singh (WP)'s absence, the judges would like to clarify that Harpreet Singh Nehal's hair beat Pritam's beard by a hair's breadth, but the beard put up a good fight.
