bye badalu

june 2023: i just had a bad break-up on the road, in, of all places, spain. you and another good producer friend happened to be in madrid for work, and you offered to meet up, despite us only hanging out at film festivals before.

you bought me ice cream, at a cute, pastel parlor. along the cobblestone way, you pointed out cafes that used to be bookstores, Airbnbs that were record stores, the madrid you knew that had moved on from you and vice versa. that long afternoon's combination of sweetness and distraction helped alleviate my pain; also, your prescient advice that i wasn't yet ready to hear.

we talked: about our ventures to europe (yours successful, mine not), your travel magazine-worthy place in bali, films, books, and music we liked and hated, your DJ career, party days, founding of the Q! Film Festival (Southeast Asia's first queer festival), upcoming films (i should have raved more to you about your films; how you nurtured the new generation of Indonesian/SEAsian filmmakers), plans, hopes, dreams, but also contentment.

we said bye-for-now and hugged in a sprawling square; you were off to an early dinner, i was off somewhere crazy, probably. you seemed so small walking away, looking down, going about your own little way. it was like the world didn't know your goodness, the sheer size of it.

just found out you walked away forever as i was the middle of the road. i had to stop. the sky was so blue. sparrows were on their way home. it was like the world got smaller.

goodbye, John Badalu. you weren't anywhere near done with your work and life and happiness, but i'm grateful for your generosity and caring and humanity. missing u, thanking u.

Everywhere I go, every smile I see / I know you are there smilin' back at me / Dancin' in moonlight, I know you are free / 'Cause I can see your star shinin' down on me